When someone you love is struggling with alcohol addiction, it can leave you feeling completely helpless. They may be in denial about the extent of the issue or be unable to stop drinking despite the obvious harm they are causing themselves. This can be a terrible position for you to be in, but your support can make a huge difference in the chances of your loved one overcoming alcoholism.
At Oasis Runcorn, we have seen the distress and confusion that alcohol addiction can cause to friends and family. This guide will walk you through how to recognise the signs of alcoholism, approach the conversation compassionately and cope with the intense emotions that are certain to arise.
What is an alcoholic?
At Oasis Runcorn (as is the case for many addiction experts), we do not usually use the term “alcoholic” because this suggests something that a person “is” rather than something that they “have”. Instead, we usually say someone has an “alcohol addiction” or an “alcohol use disorder”. However, since the word “alcoholic” is so commonly used, let’s look at what it means:
One question we get asked a lot is, “How many units a week is classed as an alcoholic?” But the reality is that alcohol addiction is not about how much you drink; it is about its impact on your life.
An alcoholic is basically someone who has lost control over their drinking and can’t stop even though it is harming them. They may be unable to hold down a job, their relationships may be falling apart and they might have frequent health problems caused by excessive drinking.
While these are classic signs of alcohol addiction, there are some people who may appear, at least on the surface, to be doing just fine. Often known as a “functioning alcoholic”, this type of person may still be holding down their job, taking care of their responsibilities and seem to be in good health. However, while they may not show the classic signs you would expect, the underlying addiction is still there, silent, causing harm.
How to approach the topic
Bringing up someone’s drinking can be difficult, especially when emotions are running high. The key here is to approach the conversation with empathy while expressing your concerns in a non-judgmental way. Here are some tips on how to support an alcoholic and open up a meaningful conversation:
Choose the right moment
Timing is everything, so try to find a quiet, calm moment when you can talk without distractions. Avoid discussing their drinking while they are intoxicated or when you are in the middle of an argument, as this will make an already emotional conversation more difficult.
Be honest but gentle
Start by expressing your concern in a caring way. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed that you’ve been drinking more lately, and I’m really worried about how it’s affecting you.”
Listen
You need to give your loved one the space they need to talk and listen actively. They may open up about why they are drinking so much or even admit that they have also noticed it becoming a problem.
Offer support, not ultimatums
Let your loved one know you are there for them, whether that means helping them find professional support or just being someone to talk to. Ultimatums or threats, like “If you don’t stop drinking, I’m leaving,” may backfire and push them further away.
Suggest professional help
If your loved one is open to the idea of getting help, this can be a great time to suggest professional treatment gently. You can help them look for options, show them Oasis Runcorn’s website and offer to attend any initial appointments with them.
How to deal with an alcoholic in denial
It is incredibly common for someone with alcohol addiction to be in denial about their drinking. This can cause them to become defensive or even angry and to refuse either your support or professional help. If you are learning how to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want help, understanding the signs of denial is key:
- Minimising the problem: They may say things like, “I only drink on weekends” or “It’s not like I’m drunk every day.”
- Shifting blame: They may argue that the stress from work or personal issues is the real problem, not the drinking.
- Comparing themselves to others: Statements like, “I’m not as bad as so-and-so” or “At least I’m not drinking during the day like him/her” are common.
In many cases, the person may feel ashamed or afraid of facing the reality of their addiction, and denial helps them avoid those painful feelings. However, denial can quickly lead to anger if they feel attacked. When this happens, it is important to stay calm and avoid escalating the situation. Here is how you can manage these intense emotions while keeping the conversation productive:
Don’t argue
If they get angry, try not to get into a back-and-forth. Let them express their feelings, but remain focused on your concern for their well-being. It is okay to walk away and revisit the conversation later if things get too heated.
Stick to the facts
Keep bringing the conversation back to observable behaviours such as how their drinking is affecting their health, relationships and daily life. This is important because facts are harder to dispute than opinions or feelings.
Offer reassurance
People often lash out in anger because they feel scared or ashamed. Reassure them that you are not here to judge but just want to see them healthy and happy. Let them know that help is available whenever they’re ready.
Taking care of your own mental health
It is so easy to get wrapped up in your loved one’s struggles that you forget to take care of yourself. However, if you are going to provide effective support, it is crucial that you are giving enough care and attention to your own mental health.
Here are some important tips on how to live with an alcoholic during treatment and recovery while also protecting your own well-being:
Set boundaries
It’s crucial to understand that while you want to help, you can’t control their drinking. Setting clear boundaries – like not tolerating abusive behaviour or refusing to pay for their drinking – can both protect your mental health and stop you from enabling their addiction.
Seek professional support for yourself
Dealing with a loved one’s alcohol addiction can feel incredibly isolating, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Oasis Runcorn provides family therapy for all our client’s loved ones to help them navigate their emotional challenges.
Take time for yourself
It is so important to keep a balance between helping your loved one and maintaining your own life. Whether that means going for a walk, spending time with your friends or just taking a morning off to be on your own, taking time for yourself can refresh and re-energise you.
Manage your expectations
Recovery from alcohol addiction is often a long and bumpy road. There will be setbacks, and sometimes, it may feel like nothing is working. Understanding this from the start can help you manage your stress and avoid burnout.
Know when to step back
If their drinking is starting to take a serious toll on your own well-being, it may be time to step back. This doesn’t mean you are abandoning them, but you can’t sacrifice yourself in the process of trying to save someone else.
Final thoughts
By helping your loved one recognise and overcome their alcohol addiction, you can play a major part in changing (and potentially saving) their life. This will involve finding a balance between providing empathetic support while also safeguarding your own emotional well-being.
However, it’s important to remember that you are not alone in this journey. At Oasis Runcorn, we are here to support both you and your loved one every step of the way. Get in touch with us today, and we will walk this path together.
